*video game talk*
Alex: You’d better not have sold that armor.
Me: lol sorry
Alex: Did you? -.-
Alex: Stop trolling. -.-
Alex: I should be keeping you away from Chris if this is what’s going to happen.
Alex: Do not want 2x trolling.
Me: Yes you do. 2x the trolling = 2x the fun xD
The following includes two very similar conversations with two very different people. Their similarities? I love them both dearly. xD
Mom: Tracey! Do you want some ice cream? :D
Mom: o.o Are you okay?
Me: Ehh..I’m kind of sad..
Mom: Why are you sad?
Me: ..I don’t know..
Mom: Is it because of that boy?
Me: *tiny smile* Yeah.
Mom: What happened?
Me: Nothing, we just haven’t been talking that much lately, and I’m starting to wonder if he actually just doesn’t like me that much.
Mom: How do you know if you haven’t been talking to him?
Me: *Starts to laugh* I don’t know. xD
Mom: You should call him.
Me: I don’t know..I mean, I don’t want to bother him.
Mom: How would you be bothering him? He’s a student. He doesn’t even have a job yet.
Me: Yeah, I guess..
Mom: Call him!
Me: .. :\
Mom: CALL HIM!
Me: I want to go to Six Flags this summer. xD
Alex: So you should ask Chris to go with you.
Alex: Yeah, just ask him.
Me: But..he’s not going to want to drive dow-
Alex: You don’t know until you ASK!
Alex: NO! ASK!
*few minutes of silence*
Me: Why would he drive down here just for that?
Alex: You don’t know until you ask! You can tell him to take me along to make things less awkward and then I’ll just bail at the last minute. xD
Me: But what if I want you to come too?
Alex: Well okay, but since he knows I know about you guys, I will go out of my way to make things incredibly awkward. xD
Me: HA! Okay. xD
Alex: If you don’t ask him tomorrow, I will be very angry with you.
Alex: So ask!
I’m so irritated. And more so at myself than anything/anyone else, to be honest. I’m probably putting way too much thought into this, and I’m panicking/stressing for absolutely no reason at all. I like a guy, but I don’t know/can’t tell if he likes me back or if he just doesn’t give a shit. I mean, I know that he thinks I’m hot. (Or at least he says so, I think he’s crazy for saying that, but if he actually believes it then hey, whatever.) But is that it? Does it all end there or am I actually worth spending the time with in order to get to know me? Am I “relationship worthy” or am I just another color in the box to be used whenever I happen to be needed?
I started wondering today what it would be like to die completely alone. I feel like I’m slowly headed in that direction. I’m losing friends. I’ll eventually lose my family. And if no one actually wants to keep a legitimate relationship with me, then what do I have left after that? I guess I may not be completely alone. I’ll have my dogs, cats, and hopefully a few horses. But who fucking knows?
I know I’m only 19 years old. I know that people see me as young and that “I still have plenty of time left to worry about all of that stuff.”
But right now, I feel kind of hopeless. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes with disgust, wishing I were more attractive. But wishes don’t get you anywhere in life. And since we’re going in that general direction, ranting to a blog that nobody follows doesn’t get you anywhere either.
Overall, I really don’t even know why I’m sitting here ranting. I think it’s just because I feel like putting my thoughts into a void so they could partially float around on here instead of in my head. Seriously, I wish it worked that way. There’s just too much going on up here. But why? That, I do not have the answer to. But for some reason, it feels good to type random bullshit.
Oh well. Whatever.
Earlier today, I thought to myself, “Man, I really want to go to Six Flags this summer.” And then I sat and thought about it some more. I realized that I don’t actually know anyone who would want to go with me. I mean, I’ve got friends from high school, but I hardly talk to them anymore.
Almost every day, I tell myself that I need to STOP being so negative and hateful. But it’s really hard to stop. You can work out as much as you want to. You can have the same number of ACTUAL friends as the number that shows up on your Facebook profile. But none of that will mask the person that you really are. In my case, I can sit here and bitch about how ugly and disgusting I am. But that won’t change a damn thing. I just need to suck it up and keep on going.
Alright then. *takes in a deep breath*
Bring it on.